English as she is mis-spoke, misread, and miswrote—or, why you should read before you sign

Over the years, I have been amused by how my neurosurgical notes were transcribed. “Losing conciseness” occurs when you descend into a “sinkable episode,” sometimes with loss of “conscientiousness.” It can be accompanied by disorders of “morality of sensation,” such as loss of “radiation.” Some patients describe a “puritan” sensation.

Many are “neurotically” intact but have pain in the “psychiatric nerve.” Examination is confounded by ulnar “innovated” muscles “immutable” to surgical “enervation.” These changes can be “post-dramatic” in patients who sustained “mortal” (mortar) wounds. Pain can be caused by a herniated nucleus “papoose,” and when multiple, “nucleus populous.” In the arm, the problem may be brachial “perplexus.” Leg pain is often localized to the greater “true cantor,” although no patient has sung its praises, or only after emptying a greater “decanter.” Pain can reside in “fibromalaysia” or in a “diffuse manor.” The elite never have “low class tenderness.” On postoperative scans, the neural foramina may be “devastated.” Pain can be treated using “non-sterile” drugs. Do not return to the pain specialist who “burned the nurse” in the low back.

Patients have had “grandma” seizures. “Anti-convalescent” drugs must never be prescribed. Gait has been described as “semitic,” and some have an “interior tremor.” Scans of “non-cephalic” skulls may show abnormality in the “biennial” region. “Lower chimney” weakness, together with “balance confidence” and even “urgent continence,” and “rectal dysfunction” may accompany cord compression. Patients are sometimes “cooperative to osculation,” with lungs also clear to “osculation” after “ammonia” has cleared. You need a chaperone when “illiciting deep tender reflexes” or evaluating “undistended” testicles or “varicose cells.” Neck pain can be unresponsive to “intimate cervical traction” (chaperone again). There may be “mild exenteration” of cervical lordosis.

Hemostasis can be obtained with “prominence-soaked” gelfoam. Some are allergic to “corrosion,” or infected with Epstein-Barr “wire” or had “buttocks” injection for facial spasm. Injuries can result in “new creation of an eye.”

I was pleased with the “visit for enjoyment with foot drop requiring juice of an AFO.” Some patients can “heal walk.” Postoperative changes can arise from a hip “autographed” (celebrities only), or even hypertrophic “fascists.”

“Periodontal cysts” may masquerade as pilonidal cysts. Only male chauvinists may evaluate “misogynous” leukemia, and beware the woman with “tubal litigation.” Pituitary neoplasms may have “new onset of depression and impudence.” Some neoplasms have “metabolized into cancer.” “Outlying phosphates” must be checked away from metropolitan centers.

“Final wrecks” are pending a “recital” exam, after the fat lady sings.